LifeLoveLotus

Beauty can come from the darkest places

Hell No We Won’t Go January 21, 2017

Filed under: Life etc — lifelovelotus @ 10:42 pm
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Today was a day I will not soon forget. 
Yesterday was the inauguration of Donald Trump. A man that ran a campaign on divisiveness, bigotry and sexism. A man that in my opinion doesn’t represent the US. He represent the lowest level of humans. A bully. A man who lives in a fake world of his own creation. 

While Trump was dancing at inaugural balls I was driving overnight with a group of 4 empowered women. We got into D.C. at 2:30 in the morning. Got a couple hours of sleep and hit the pavement early in the morning. Today we fought back. Today was the Women’s March on Washington.

As we walked through the city there was a palpable feel in the air. There were pink hats as far as the eye could see. There were folks of varying ages, genders, sexual orientation, race and ethnicities coming together for a common purpose. It was beautiful. This wasn’t an anti-Trump rally. No. It was so much more than that. It was a protest for civil rights. 

Today the world made a statement. Millions of people stood tall and proud and said “we will not be silenced”, “we will not stand by while others are oppressed”. We are one. We are united and this is just the beginning.  

#womensmarchonwashington #BLM

 

Who is that in the mirror July 8, 2015

Filed under: Life etc — lifelovelotus @ 12:59 am

I felt good today. Happy, energetic even pretty. 

I used to be the pretty girl. Thin. Athletic. Outgoing. I’m not her anymore. 

I hide behind my work. I put my health last. I eat my feelings. I quit the gym I love because I don’t feel worthy of the environment. CrossFit used to be my savior, then I allowed it to becomes oppressor. It wasn’t the box or the people there. It is me. I don’t like me currently. I feel like I don’t belong. 

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the woman staring back at me. Where did the fun, lighthearted, athletic girl go? 

  

 

Race, hate and love December 4, 2014

Filed under: Life etc — lifelovelotus @ 10:50 am
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I am at a loss. It feels overwhelming. Powerful. The world seems to be hell bent on tearing people down vs lifting them up. People stand complacent as our brothers and sisters of color are demoralized, murdered and treated as less than human.

Race is still very much an issue in our world. To think its not is to live in a place of privilege. Something many people will never experience. People of color are imprisoned at a much higher rate for the same crimes whites commit. They are also far more likely to be mistreated and killed by the police.

Now calm down – I don’t hate the police. Stop jumping to ridiculous conclusions. Now that that is out of the way….

Why do whites feel so impassioned to automatically assume a person of color is a “thug”. That an officer was obviously in the right. Would the same conversation happen if we were discussing the mistreatment of a small white man? “Non-threatening” in look and demeanor? There is a large group who say absolutely! The reality is that facts and statistics don’t back that up. That is why we must raise our hands and voices in unison. For those of us who are white to use the privilege we were born with and make a stand. To be a true ally in a time when it is so critical to do so. To remain silent is true injustice. Just because something doesn’t directly affect you doesn’t mean you can’t fight to right the wrongs on others. It doesn’t give you a pass to stand back and wait for things to change. It doesn’t give you the right to look down on others because you “just don’t get it”. It’s not ok to have “friends who are black” and claim that is enough. It’s not enough. It will never be enough.

I don’t know the world my children will one day inherit. What I do know is that I won’t let them stand back and watch while others are marginalized. I will teach them to stand shoulder to shoulder and fight for equality. To fight for a better world than the one we left them.

 

Deeper April 10, 2014

Filed under: Life etc — lifelovelotus @ 11:08 am
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Depression comes out of nowhere. Usually with out warning. There may be no rhyme or reason, sometimes there are triggers. Sometimes the world simply feels too big.

I’m not one for self pity. I like to think I’m pretty independent. I fail often at asking for help. Allowing others to help me without feeling overwhelming guilt.

I have been told I have a high pain tolerance. That I’m able to focus and keep going when I need to. I recently messed up my knee and while discussing the down feelings I was having since then with my therapist she brought up my pain tolerance. Where did it come from, why. We discussed my childhood and my fear of feeling weak in front of my mother. My fear of my mother. Fear of being hurt both physically and emotionally.

You weren’t supposed to cry or she would make you cry. Of she made you cry you better toughen up and take it. It’s only worse when you cry. So I learned to survive. To smile and push all my pesky feelings down into a dark hole inside me. Even with physical pain at times. I learned to “separate”.

When I had my knee re-checked this week I was shocked to learn it may need surgery. I thought for sure I was over reacting and would be fine that I was doing more damage by “taking it easy” because I really didn’t need to be. I can’t even listen to my own body. I second guess my own body. How fucked up is that?

There is no time to “feel down”. Shit has to get done. I have people depending on me. A job. A job who has noticed and isn’t pleased. I’m a worker bee damn it! How can I stray from that brand now. How disappointing. Deeper into the hole…deeper.

Smile and move on I tell myself when on the inside I’m screaming and pulling my hair.

How can I support my family through a tough time if I’m focusing on my own shit. Bigger stuff is going on. Smile. Move on I say.

Deeper. Deeper.

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Family Ties December 27, 2013

Filed under: Life etc — lifelovelotus @ 2:33 am
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What is family? I’ve been searching for that answer my entire life. I always felt like the odd one out being raised by a single mom in a town where most had nuclear families. I remember sitting out at the father daughter softball game, watching everyone else play. I had daddy issues.

I used to dream about my father being a fireman – helping others. I never really have much thought to the real man. The biker, the man who put the club above all. The man who walked away from his children. Yup, I have 1/2 siblings I’ve never met. I used to dream about this big family. How my siblings would meet me and all would be right in the world.

I searched for years for my older 1/2 sister. I remember her or hearing about her when I was a child. I never once thought about her story. Did she even know about me? Would she have any interest in me? Little did I know my father ran away with my mother when she was just a baby. Abandoning her, her brother (my 1/2 sibling) and their mother. Not really the best situation.

I recently met some of my extended family. Believe it or not they have been an hour away from me my whole life. I met my fathers brothers family. They were all so nice and loving. I couldn’t help but feel like I had missed out. I was robbed of my dream family.

While I was there my cousin casually pulled up the Facebook profiles of my 1/2 siblings. My heart almost stopped. All these years and it was this simple.

I sent my 1/2 sister a message, she has yet to see or respond to it. I don’t know if she ever will. I think I have some peace at least knowing who she is.

If I’m honest, I can’t even decipher the feelings I’m having. I am overwhelmed. I’m anxious. I’m sad. I’m happy. I’m a hot ass mess.

 

Progress November 23, 2013

Filed under: Life etc — lifelovelotus @ 6:47 pm
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Its been a while since I posted about my journey. Therapy is still hard, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything. Taking charge of my life has been the best thing I’ve ever done. 6 months in and I can see the change in me. I have set boundaries with my mom and I’m sticking to them. Best part – me. I am feeling better, happier. I’m making time for me (most of the time).

I have a waist again!

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I absolutely love crossfit and I’ve been eating paleo for over 2 months now. I can’t even believe it. I am down 23 lbs total and about 4-6 inches in my waist. WHAT?! Awesome. Who knew I would love lifting, kettleball swings and would be practicing my handstands at 35! 

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So get over the bathroom selfies – I am super proud of my new body. My new me. 

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No one said LOVE was easy

I can’t focus today. I have to grade 8 more papers and a week’s worth of discussion posts. Yet, here I sit staring at my macbook hoping that it will just magically happen. I’m sitting in my favorite coffee and tea café listening to the chatter of others and the espresso machine. It’s relaxing. I don’t have to worry about anything (other than the fact I’m not getting any work done).

Every day, I wake up with a knot in my shoulders. I’m stressed out before I even leave my bed. I bring a lot of the stress on. I try to do too much. I try to make others happy while often giving up my own simple pleasures (I really want a f’n latte right now but I’m sipping black tea with no sugar).

My husband has PCS: post concussion syndrome. He has had 10 concussions (on record, I’m pretty sure its many more than that).  He struggles every single day just to go to work. Why should I complain about anything?  He has to fight constant migraines, memory problems, nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, spots in his vision, over stimulation from simple sounds and environments, and noise sensitivity. Sitting in this café would probably drive him insane.  He fights depression that he can’t control. He has never been depressed before. He has mood swings and outbursts of anger that are so out of character and at times unsettling.  He puts on a brave face and fights though every single day.

So, who am I to complain? What kind of an ass am I for feeling overworked, tired, and resentful? What a selfish person, right? I can’t lie- I struggle with those emotions every single day. I fight feeling resentful.  I feel bombarded the second I get home. The other night I didn’t even get my coat off and the kids were on me. “Mom where is dinner?”, “Mom, I need help with my homework”, “Mom, my brother keeps touching my stuff”, etc, etc. All while my husband is home- laying down. I’ve created this monster. I want to protect my husband and allow him the time to heal from a bad day- every day. My kids have caught on.  They too, want to protect him. The problem is that I can’t handle it all on my own. Well, maybe that isn’t true. I don’t want to.

I’ve come to expect and be able to gauge when my husband will have his truly bad days. Those are the days where he locks himself away in our bedroom with the lights off.  I’ve become accustomed to it.  I come home- ready for the onslaught. I’m sad before I even get out of my car. The man I married, the outgoing, funny, adventure-seeking man is hidden somewhere inside this other man.  He is struggling to break free, but just can’t seem to reach the surface. So, I put on a brave face, I smile, and pretend to the outside world that everything is great.

The truth is, everything isn’t great. Being a caretaker for someone with PCS, or any disability (depression, PTSD etc) is difficult. It is draining.  And people don’t understand. PCS isn’t something physical that you can see.  People doubt it, even some of our close friends. They don’t see my husband on the days he is in our bedroom with the lights off and with a blanket over his head just fighting to stay here on this planet. I can’t lie and say that I don’t think about the majority of the stories you see about people with PCS or CTE.  How eventually, it just becomes too much and the person commits suicide.  I bury that fear, but it’s real and it is always there.

I grew up afraid to show my emotions. I was taught that you didn’t cry unless you wanted something to cry about. I am working on learning how to express my emotions now. Writing is the easiest way. I see that I am shutting myself down to my husband.  It’s not that I don’t love him- it’s that I love him so much that I can’t fall apart. I have to be strong for all of us.  He wants to tell me about his doctors appointments, the progress, or at times- the risks.  He wants to share his fears with me and I simply nod my head. Why don’t I just reach out and hold him, let him feel how much I care, and tell him how fearful I am? Why can’t I listen and support him the way he deserves? I hate the closed off person I’ve allowed myself to become, but I also know it’s a survival technique.

Can’t I find a better balance?

I struggle with self-hate, doubt, sadness, and depression. I feel lost and alone. How do the loved ones get through this? How do we support and not lose ourselves? Our relationships?

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